


Alternate Blade Works

by Swallowtail (Paramirum)



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night (Visual Novel), Fate/stay night - All Media Types, Fate/stay night: Unlimited Blade Works (Anime 2014)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Canon Rewrite, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Blood, Original Character-centric, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Route: Unlimited Blade Works, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 10:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3378980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paramirum/pseuds/Swallowtail
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of the Fuyuki City inferno, Kirei Kotomine gained a valuable tool upon finding a girl whose body produces an exceedingly rare and useful crystal if endangered. After years of supplying materials in a comatose state, stored away under the church, she is released only to serve as a pawn in the next Holy Grail War. When her will to live waned, the promise of salvation restored it. Atosaki Kurokawa becomes the servant of a certain Servant, who slowly uncovers the scars she carried for so long. -- a short UBW "fix-fic" centered around Lancer Cú Chulainn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Encounters

There was not a single thing left for her to hold onto; all she had now were meaningless tears and words filled with hatred. That, and a wish to vanish. The coming nights would be so long.

Atosaki Kurokawa had been born with a gift which never truly manifested until one fateful day. At the age of nineteen, the girl lost everything to a mysterious, unexplained conflagration: her family, her home, even her will to live. She never understood how it happened, how the entirety of Fuyuki City was violently set ablaze, how she managed to survive, until she met the man known as Kirei Kotomine. She would always regret their encounter, from the way he found her half-dead in the gutted wreckage of her home, to the explanations he provided in the aftermath.

Her body had been almost completely enveloped by growths of a strange, hardened substance, cubic in structure and coruscating with hues of royal purple, gold and magenta. He had called it "Crystallized Lore"—a physical manifestation of magic, said only to occur when human history crossed with a stream of Mana. It was a tool with which Heroic Spirits were materialized, and seeing that the girl's body somehow produced it in abudance, Kotomine decided to keep her as a long-term project.

She never saw the light of day for ten years, left to languish in the basement of Kotomine Church, kept consistently on the brink of death so that her body would continue to grow the Lore. She wanted to die, he knew, but it would not allow that. Self-preservation played a key role in this case. When he denied her nourishment from the start, the girl fell into a deep slumber, a comatose state during which the Crystallized Lore formed in abudance to protect its host. Kotomine continued to harvest the crystals until the beginning of the Fifth Holy Grail War drew near and she emerged from her slumber.

"Do you remember the name you told me was yours?" he asked, curious to see that she hadn't aged a day over all those years.

She paused to think for a moment, and then her eyes rounded into moons and she shook her head out of disbelief, forcing a dejected statement from trembling lips: "I—I don't."

"You shall be called Kurokawa," Kotomine told her, "the black river. It will carve your path into the future so long as you embrace it."

Like the drowning who reach for the first sign of help, Kurokawa viewed Kotomine as the rescuer who pulled her from that hell, even when he drove her into another, an odd mixture of gratitude and resentment. When she wanted to leave, the priest fed her fables of the Holy Grail, and the wish it would grant him if he won the upcoming War. He claimed he intended to restore what was lost in the flames, if only she helped him, and it wasn't just a friendly suggestion. In the dark of the night, consigned to a makeshift and windowless bedchamber, she prayed to whoever was listening for better times to come.

It was only a short time later that Kotomine introduced the girl to someone he called his Servant. Her only duty was to follow him and ensure he successfully battled each of the other six Servants once without being defeated, and in the worst case scenario, he could maim her for Lores and receive a power-up in return. Of course, Kotomine left out that little fact, and otherwise there was no reason for the girl to object, except for the fact that she was absolutely terrified of Kotomine's so-called Servant.

She stared through dull brown eyes at the young man clad in blue. He seemed so vibrant and strong, everything she wasn't. If not for her fear, it would have been a primal sin, that of envy, which made her disdain him. Only the promise of the Grail bound her and became resolve.

"Lancer," she said upon his introduction, "I… I don't like you."

He scoffed, a derisive smile on his lips. "Nice to meet you too."

 

The girl was given time to prepare for the first night of the War, and with it she merely lay in the grass outside the church, breathing the cool, fresh air, staring at the stars she never thought she would see again. Her heart skipped a beat when a full moon finally stole out from behind the clouds. She reached for it. This brief moment of reprieve was quite unceremoniously broken by an approaching Lancer and his flippant tone.

"What, never seen the sky before?"

"What do you think?" she returned sardonically, lowering her hand.

He laughed heartily. "This ought to be fun."

Kurokawa stood slowly, reluctantly, and went to his side. She observed him a moment, perusing his every feature though her attention returned continually to his eyes. The irises were a deep red hue, almost captivating the way they reflected the moonlight like faceted rubies. And then there was his hair, cut short around the skull but long at the back, almost the same length as hers, only a deep azure instead of plain black. He wore it tied in a tail with a golden clasp.

"You're staring," Lancer informed her.

She didn't say anything as she turned away.

"Let's go," he said flatly. "I want to get this night over with as soon as humanly possible."

"Yes," she replied. "It's something we have in common."

 

They made their way into the city, and for the first time Kurokawa saw it in its state of rebirth. There were no more ashes, no more fires. No more death. She pressed her fingers to her lips to stop herself from crying.

Lancer's gaze fell upon her on more than one occasion, curious as to why the Kurokawa girl seemed so off. She just didn't look right with that pretty but sad face, like she was always about to burst into tears. Her mannerisms confused him, seeming so childish despite her appearing close to adulthood. Even when she spoke she reminded him of an adolescent, one lost and thoroughly confused.

By now her shoulders were trembling, and he conjectured it was not due to the temperature. He would have asked the reason, but his expectation of any good answer was low.

"I'm scared," she said at last.

Lancer quirked an eyebrow. "Of what, your own shadow?"

Her breath caught in her throat as she began her next sentence. "Of this… this world."

After the resulting pause, Lancer swept her up in his arms. She weighed almost nothing. "You're too slow. Just hang on."

She wanted to say something, to protest or complain, but no words came out. He felt so warm. He had her close to his chest, and she heard a heart beating inside. She couldn't remember the last time anyone held her this way. It had to have been by her mother or father, only their faces seemed to have dimmed against the taint of time.

Lancer raced through the empty city streets so swiftly that the scenery went by in a grayish blur. Kurokawa preferred it that way, so she did not have to see anything about the life she never lived. Even if Kotomine had not found her, she would have survived. There could have been a new beginning. Difficult as it sounded, perhaps she would become part of a new family and go to school and have friends and grow up normally. Ten years of stagnation, of nothingness, each and every one of them pointed down an untraveled road.

Her heart contracted painfully as Lancer neared a school complex. She knew he was going there, even now. She had always dreamt of such placest. The concept of uniforms and studying and social hierarchy seemed so foreign to her. The thought of her old classmates, who were all surely dead, brought tears to her eyes.

Kurokawa felt herself being lowered down, and instinctively she threw her arms out around Lancer's neck.

"A clingy one, aren't you?"

"I-I'm sorry." She hastily clambered out of his hold.

Lancer merely shrugged. "Wait here. I'm going that way."

Kurokawa's already pale face went even whiter. "You're leaving me?"

"I'll come back," he said with a raised brow.

It took her a second to understand. She nodded, and Lancer trudged toward the school, a crunch of leaves sounding at each step. Shivers starting going up and down her spine once he went out of sight. Kotomine had only given her a plain denim dress to wear. It was a size too big on her and barely kept in heat.

"Come back soon," Kurokawa whispered, sitting down on the chill dirt, knees pulled up to her chin.

She had been dozing on and off when flashes of light and the screech of metal hitting metal startled her awake. Behind chainlink fences she spotted Lancer in his unmistakable blue, facing off with a man in red. Judging by their stances and the tense atmosphere, they were almost certainly enemies. A young woman wearing a crimson coat, much like that other man, looked on while shifting nervously—likely a Master, Kurokawa surmised.

Lancer had dropped into a formidable stance, his spear sparking with energy, when suddenly he lost concentration and turned abruptly, calling out. Kurokawa followed Lancer's line of vision and spotted a ginger-haired boy run frantically into the school. By the time she looked back, Lancer and the other Servant had vanished, and the female Master followed the same route taken by that boy. And suddenly, the air had gone still, jarringly and almost painfully silent.

Kurokawa waited patiently, the calm of her vigil only broken by a burst of illumination in one of the school's windows.

"We're going," Lancer's voice said out of nowhere, and Kurokawa nearly jumped a foot into the air, scared out of her wits.

"Don't sneak up on me like that," she gasped. "D-Did something happen?"

"Yeah. Something did," was his short, rather ominous reply.

 

Lancer ran through a neighborhood lined with traditional Japanese houses on either side, finally halting at a rather large one in particular. Kurokawa could only wonder what business he had there. He placed her down at the front gate before leaping onto the roof of the house and vanishing without a trace.

Part of her wanted to go inside. It looked like a nice home, perhaps belonging to a nice family. She peered around the vacant street, trying to decide whether she should follow him. Eventually she made her way into the compound, the yard quiet and all but abandoned. This looked like the kind of house she used to live in, though she had a hard time remembering where exactly it had been.

The shattering of glass snapped her from contemplation. That same orange-haired boy from before, holding what looked to be a metal pipe, had been thrown through a window, pursued by Lancer wielding his spear. The shorter male kept running until he received a brutal kick to the side, which sent him flying into a nearby shed. She wanted to scream as he jabbed at the bloodied boy with the point of his weapon. The boy fell backward through the shed's doorway with a yelp while Lancer pressed on. They both disappeared inside.

"Lancer, stop it!" Kurokawa ran toward them, reaching the shed just as he was thrown out by a burst of light and directly on top of the frail girl.

"Dammit, what're you doing?" Lancer hoisted himself up and dragged her with him by the collar.

"What're _you_ doing?!" she demanded. "I didn't think killing random people was part of your job."

He tossed her aside, a scowl on his face. "He's a witness."

"A what…?"

Lancer turned away from her and focused on the young, flaxen-haired woman who suddenly exited the shed. Her unexplained appearance and the armor she wore immediately told Kurokawa that she was another Servant.

They ran at each other, Lancer's spear clashing against something invisible clutched in the female Servant's hands. He jumped back, continuing to thrust out his weapon at intervals, deflected successfully by the opponent each time. The redheaded boy stumbled outside, staring in awe at the clashing Servants. The spot right over his heart dripped red, the tan school uniform he wore shredded and bloody. Kurokawa would have wanted to help him had he not been on his feet. Noticing her presence, he stared for a moment in confusion when they both heard Lancer's voice again.

"You coward! How dare you keep your weapon hidden?!"

That was it then, whatever the woman wielded was a club or something of the sort. She struck at Lancer, pushing him back even further. He dropped into a guard position while she remained still.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Stopping mid-fight will disgrace spearmen everywhere. If you won't come to me, then I shall come to you."

"Let me ask one thing first," said Lancer. "What's your Noble Phantasm? A sword?"

Kurokawa didn't hear what the woman had to say as a reply, her mind trying to wrap itself around that term: Noble Phantasm. It sounded so elegant and so powerful, yet like Crystallized Lore, she had no idea what it meant.

"Get real, Saber!" he said to the Servant. "This is only our first encounter, so how about we stop now and call it a draw?"

"I think not," she said. "You will meet your end here."

"Well, my objective all along was to gather information," Lancer said, his spear beginning to steam. "I never planned to stick around if anyone's Servant showed up…"

Weapon sparking with energy, an ominous aura of bloodlust coiled off the tip in almost palpable tendrils.

"…But now I'll have your heart!"

Lancer charged at Saber and launched his weapon at her. Time seemed to stop for an instant as he thrust it forward, bursting with incredible emanations of power.

"Gáe Bolg…!"

"G-gay what?" Kurokawa murmured as the spearhead struck Saber squarely in the chest, throwing her skyward and then into the ground.

She fell hard, but not hard enough. Still conscious, she muttered something about a cause-effect reversal under her breath.

"So, you managed to avoid the death blow of my Gáe Bolg," remarked Lancer.

Saber's green eyes widened. "That's the name of your weapon? So you're Ireland's Son of Light? The Hound of Culann."

Lancer clicked his tongue. "It's too bad my identity was given away so quickly. And Servants are supposed to fight to the death if their true name is revealed…"

He walked toward Kurokawa and picked her up with one arm.

"Are you running away even with your Master present?!" asked Saber.

"Sorry, you're mistaken," said Lancer over his shoulder. "I've got orders from someone else, and he's a coward. But if you're looking to die, try chasing me."

Kurokawa watched as Saber and the red-haired boy disappeared behind them. She looked at Lancer's profile, bright against the moon's glow, as he soared from rooftop to rooftop, finally dropping down into a narrow alleyway. He sighed, his spear disappearing as he slid to the ground.

"…Are you okay?" the girl asked.

"Yeah," he said grudgingly, his pride hurt more than anything else.

She sat down next to him, close but not too close. "You wanted to finish the fight."

Lancer glared at her for pointing out the obvious.

"You were trying to kill that boy before," she continued. "Why?"

"One reason," said Lancer. "He saw my battle with another Servant. Rules are rules. I don't like it much either. But hey, turns out he's a Master. Best way to get the Servants is to snuff out the energy source."

He noticed the way the girl shuddered when he said those things. She probably couldn't come to terms with the whole concept of the War, seeming to be a poorly versed magus who lacked any drive.

"I don't like seeing people die like that. It's not fair for their lives to be stolen from them," she said quietly. "I'll never get used to it happening, even now."

"Used to it?"

The girl said nothing more. She wrapped her arms around herself, one hand over her heart, the same spot where he had stabbed that kid, grip tightening on the coarse material. Lancer shook his head.

"Unfortunately, wars come with death and killing. They go hand-in-hand."

Kurokawa gave him a look so imploring, so desperate, that even he was taken aback. She crawled closer, as if he were a fire and she wanted to get warm. He could no longer resist; he put an arm around her and pulled her in, just a little.

"What good are you, anyway?" he asked.

"I don't know," she answered.

And truly, she didn't.


	2. II - Come Up Smiling

Lancer didn't know what he was going to do with the Kurokawa girl. She'd simply passed out while curled up against him. At first he considered ditching her in the alley, but that didn't seem right. Either way, Kotomine probably took great pleasure in burdening him with these unreasonable requests. He hadn't even specified what this girl could do, only that she was a "disposable resource." Perhaps he was also having her keep tabs on him, though she didn't seem to understand half of what was happening.

He carried Kurokawa as he walked back toward the school, not for a rematch—the Servant he fought earlier was probably long gone—but because he felt something off about it. There was a certain miasma of darkness steadily encroaching on the space, and of course Kotomine wanted him to find out why.

After hiding the girl in the woods, Lancer approached the main building. He scratched the back of his head while he looked at it. Apparently there was something special to kids about places like these. It was somewhat of a shame that Kurokawa and even that boy from earlier had to take part in a War at such an early age. In one classroom he found a scrap of lined paper on the floor with the message, "Please notice me, senpai!"

"Senpai, huh." Someone was clearly desperate for the attention of an upperclassman. Lancer tossed it aside, about to leave the room when he heard a shrill female cry from outside. "Shit...!"

 

He rushed to where he had left Kurokawa, finding the girl pinned against a tree by a woman with carnation-pink hair wearing a tight black minidress. She turned to look at him, though her eyes were obscured by a magenta-colored visor.

"I was wondering when her Servant would show up," she said in a low, sultry voice.

"Looks that way, right?" Lancer asked, his weapon not yet drawn.

"Oh?" The woman inspected the girl she believed to be his Master. "That's a bluff."

"Nope."

"I see. So you wouldn't mind if I did this?"

A tapered, nail-like dagger on a chain appeared in the woman's hand. Kurokawa's eyes widened as it was driven deep into her left shoulder.

Lancer tried not to cringe when the girl screamed and her blood gushed. "You're wasting your time. Look, she doesn't even have a Command Seal. If you want to fight me then fight me."

The woman then yanked out her weapon, eliciting another pained cry. "I saw you go after that witness before. Why don't you kill her too?"

Lancer pinched the bridge of his nose, vexed. "Again, that's not really it either. Master's orders were to keep her with me."

The Servant chuckled to herself when Kurokawa fell over, having to be caught with an arm. "Like a pet, isn't that right?"

"Something to that effect. Can I have her back now?"

"Sounds like she'd make a good bargaining chip." said the female Servant.

Lancer shrugged. "Do what you want. Wasn't my idea in the first place."

He was actually rather stunned that Kurokawa made no protest. She merely hung her head, limp frame supported by the Servant's arm. He'd hoped she would demand he save her or yell at him for being too slow.

"I think you overdid it," said Lancer, taking a step toward the Servant, motioning for her to return the girl.

"Maybe," she said, tossing Kurokawa's body at him.

He probably caught her too roughly, but she merely stared up at him, through him, eyes blank and emotionless.

"Still looking for a fight?" the rose-haired woman inquired.

"I..." He looked at Kurokawa's blood-soaked shoulder and considered what Kotomine would say. "I'm not if you aren't. Reconnaissance, that's what Master wanted. You're setting up camp here, I can tell. I've got all I need to know."

"And I can tell you're itching for battle," she said smugly. "Oh well, I have better things to do."

Lancer grit his teeth as the Servant disappeared into the shadows. He placed Kurokawa down on the grass and quietly checked her condition.

To his surprise, the stab wound was covered in cubic purple crystals, bearing no sign of having been stabbed besides the leftover blood. Kurokawa closed her eyes as he started prodding her shoulder.

"It looks bad," she said, "but I just wanted to see how much it would hurt."

"Are you a masochist with a death wish?"

"I'm a reservoir for Crystallized Lore. I keep Servants alive, and the same goes for myself. That's what Father Kotomine said."

Lancer blinked away his shock. He'd never come across someone with such an anomalous attribute as that. "If you're like that brat from before who won't stay dead, I swear."

He was partially joking, but the other half of him wondered about the Lore she described. Kotomine had left him in the dark about this one, not that their lack of communication surprised him at all.

When he turned his attention back to the girl, she'd begun struggling to breathe.

"Hey, I didn't mean anything by what I just said."

She looked at him. "What? No, I just... remembered something. Something sad."

Lancer heaved a heavy sigh and helped her sit up. "You want me to take you home? Kotomine doesn't seem the type who'd do it himself."

"I don't have one."

He gave a little laugh of vexation. "So you live at the churc—"

"I don't have one," she repeated in the same flat tone.

Battle sounds and explosions could be heard somewhere in the distance.

Lancer slid one hand under her knees and supported her back with the other, silently lifting Kurokawa from the ground.

"Does it tire you to carry me?" she asked quietly.

"...Not at all."

She leaned her head against his chest. "I'm always so tired."

"Rest then," he told her. "It's been a long night. Longer than we wanted, huh?"

"Definitely."

"Kotomine wants me to check up on this one Master who's been lurking around the local temple. Apparently he's a teacher here, so I've got to get the jump on him now."

"A teacher?" she asked. There was a peculiar glimmer in her eyes.

"Yeah, weird job for a Master, isn't it."

 

It seemed to be quite a distance between the school and Ryuudou Temple, but Lancer made good time. Sure enough, they spotted a tall, slim man climbing the steep steps going up the mountainside. Lancer let Kurokawa down under the cover of foliage but did not leave her side.

"We just need to watch," he said in a whisper. "If a Servant comes out, then..."

The man in the green two-piece suit suddenly stopped and put his hands up in a fighting position, like he was expecting an attack. Slowly he stalked toward the place where they were hiding, and Kurokawa felt Lancer tense.

He had already shifted to spirit form, ready to run with the girl when she left his side and emerged to approach the Master.

"Whoops, did I startle you, mister?" she asked, head tilted to one side. "I-I somehow got lost looking for the temple, and I saw you..."

"Do you know me?" the man responded in monotone, not relaxing by even a fraction.

"I know you're a teacher. If you work with kids, you must be a nice guy. Teaching is fun, isn't it, mister...?"

"Kuzuki," he said with an awkward, forced cough, dropping his hands. "And I suppose so. You seem interested in education."

"Well, I have fond school memories," Kurokawa admitted, "and it's certainly a nice career..."

She saw Kuzuki's eyes shift behind his glasses from her to where Lancer was. If he discovered him, things would get messy.

"It just seems nice to talk with lots of students and teachers every day," she finished.

Kuzuki focused back on her. "...You sound like a kind girl."

"You think?"

He nodded solemnly.

She felt a smile play on her lips, for the first time in forever. "I hope that making other people happy can bring Mr. Kuzuki lots of happiness."

"I wish it could," he said, slowly continuing to walk up the stairs.

Kurokawa followed behind him. "Are you unhappy with how things are?"

Kuzuki remained silent.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I guess through all the gloom we have to look for that ray of light."

It might have been hypocritical for her to say that, but Kotomine's promise could be considered hers. Or perhaps, that was not quite it...

"Yes," Kuzuki said. "When I think about it, there is one for me."

After a moment of being stared at hopefully by Kurokawa, he added, "It's someone… very special to me."

She stopped abruptly. Kuzuki turned around and watched her, guard up again.

"You're lucky. I've never actually been in love. Maybe… maybe I'll get there in time." She knew she shouldn't say this to him, but she let it out anyway. "I pray that you two will be very happy, always."

He scrutinized her a moment. "I will do the same for you, then."

"Thank you," she said. "I'm sorry about being a bother at such a late hour. I'll, um, go to the temple some another day."

Kuzuki turned, and then paused. "Indeed, it's dangerous for a girl like you to be out alone. Take great precaution, we live in dangerous times."

And Kurokawa knew what he was talking about. "I will. Bye for now, Mr. Kuzuki."

She walked quickly down the stairs, almost tripping a few times because of how unused she was to being on her feet. At the base of the mountain, both Kuzuki and the temple were far from sight, so she assumed it safe.

"That was crazy," said Lancer's voice in a low rumble.

He materialized right beside Kurokawa, her heart nearly stopped momentarily by the shock. She was unable tell if he was angry from the tone of his voice alone.

"I know," she said, staring at the ground, not knowing what else to say.

He took her chin between his thumb and forefinger and forced her eyes to meet his. She thought he might slap her for what she'd done.

"Idiot," he said again, letting her go. She seemed relieved when he did.

The girl's lack of self-control was almost laughable, her sense of self-preservation somewhere in the same category. Not only did she openly throw herself at an unknown enemy, she had jeopardized the entire mission, which was to merely observe at present. They wouldn't have gained much information either way, but Lancer was beginning to be irked by her audacity, even more by the way she talked to the opposition like an old friend. He wondered if she knew that they were all going to die soon.

The things she said to Kuzuki stuck fast in his head, like they were pieces of a puzzle he had to put together. A girl with no home and no past, no one to cling to and nowhere to go. No, it seemed deeper than that. He'd seen the sorrow etched in her features, the sorrow of a person killed hundreds of times on the inside.

Lancer realized that he'd broken into a sprint. He expected to find Kurokawa somewhere miles back, but she only trailed a few feet behind him.

She panted a bit, but otherwise seemed fine—fine on the outside. "Don't hold up on my account."

"Hey, come over here," Lancer said, and she did. He wanted to ask her things, only because having more than one rather questionable partner made him uneasy, but he saw something different in her face, a certain brightness which hadn't been there before.

"Did talking to that Master make you happy?"

"Yes," she said. "I mean, it's rare to have a semi-normal conversation with another human being. That's all."

Kurokawa looked up at Lancer and smiled apologetically, the first time he'd seen her like that up close. The corners of her mouth were just barely raised, the rosy lips forming an almost imperceptible curve, but it was a smile nonetheless.

"It looks nice…"

"Huh?" Kurokawa wasn't sure what she hard, so she just went on smiling.

Without a verbal response, Lancer swept her up in his arms once again.

"I-I can walk," she said, only protesting because of that strange tug she felt in her chest every time he so much as touched her.

"You don't like it?" he asked, holding her away from him so he could view her face in full.

"No, that's not it! I just don't want to be a bother."

"Like I said, I don't tire easily. You do, though. Shall we call it a night? I know it's not home, I don't have one either, but we've got someone waiting on us back there."

"Mm."

Kurokawa agreed even when her heart did not. She had no desire to return to that place where she'd been confined to her own personal hell. A burning desire to strangle Kirei Kotomine rose up in her, but she forced it down upon remembering his promise: _Should I attain the Grail, I will use my wish to reverse the damage from ten years ago. You'll have everything back which you were denied._

"Funny how you zone out like that," said Lancer, looking straight ahead.

"I have a lot on my mind, that's all," she said, which was the truth, just not its entirety.

"You seem reluctant to go back," he said, plucking the thought straight from her innermost thoughts. "You're not a Master, so what's in this for you?"

He seemed to have struck a nerve. She shivered violently, and he squeezed her just a bit. It gradually came upon him that Kotomine, being the great manipulator he was, might be blackmailing her. Maybe he had her family hostage. Maybe he killed them like he had killed Lancer's rightful Master.

Something in his instincts or his code of honor made him want to protect the girl. He didn't know who she was or what had happened to her; he couldn't change anything about the past. The same could be said for him too. They had only the future and two hands which could shape it.

 

It was a foolish decision, but he brought Kurokawa to a deserted park and sat with her on a bench. She was still shaking like a leaf, though more like one caught in a breeze than a violent storm. If Lancer had a jacket or something he would have loaned it to her. Armor and a full-body suit didn't help with that.

"Lancer," she said.

"Yeah."

"I think I misjudged you. You're not too bad a guy after all."

He grinned. "Good to hear it."

"…Ooh, that's him," said a high-pitched voice, "the great Celtic hero, Cú Chulainn. Yes, the Lancer. He's even uglier up close. Let's destroy him quickly."

A very small, very young girl with snow-white hair and royal purple winter wear walked, almost gliding, through the accumulated mist, flanked by a silently-moving giant. The child regarded both of them with long-lashed red eyes.

Kurokawa rose with an intimidating slowness from her seat. "I think Lancer is very handsome."

There was a moment of silence. He suppressed his laughter. She had said it so matter-of-factly that the Master over there started to look convinced.

"Do you need anything else?" Kurokawa continued, the question more like, "do you want to keep slandering Lancer?"

The girl dipped into a polite curtsy. "My name is Illyasviel von Einzbern. This is Berserker. We're going to kill you now."

Kurokawa was about to take a step forward when Lancer stopped her.

"I got this. I need to let off steam after that last fight."

"Against Saber?" Illyasviel giggled. "If you couldn't win against her alone, we'll completely crush you."

"Lancer," Kurokawa pleaded.

"Worried about me?"

She frowned. "Of course."

"Naturally. He's your Servant," Illyasviel interjected.

"No, I am not his Master," said Kurokawa. "It's because he is my friend."

The little girl gave her a questioning look as Berserker advanced. Lancer drew Gáe Bolg and smiled to himself.

He would make sure to have fun this time.

 


	3. Between Dream and Reality

"Fine! I'll use all my strength!" she heard him say.

Kurokawa watched cautiously as Lancer dueled with Berserker, his spear against the giant's axe. He became fully absorbed in the heat of battle, growing more fervid every time their weapons struck each other, even when the enemy's weapon scoured flesh.

"That's it, good," he said, gripping his lacerated side. "More. More! Fight me seriously!"

With all his motions and fluid grace, Kurokawa realized how Lancer looked so very alive, reducing the tension and dangers of battle almost to an art form. Maybe it was the look on his face, too, and how his eyes shone brightly with focus, and somehow, a sense of thrill. No wonder, she thought to herself, he was a warrior after all.

Having deflected the last deadly barrage, Lancer had retreated by a few feet, readying his next move when he froze.

Kurokawa took a step toward him. "L-Lancer?"

"Shut up! Don't meddle!"

She winced at his harshness but did not apologize when she did nothing wrong. "What are you—?"

"You bastard!" he shouted at the sky, suddenly turning and snatching her up in his arms.

It all happened in a blur. The girl Master and her Berserker were left behind, and Kurokawa was suddenly with him in another secluded alleyway trying to digest what had happened.

He pounded a fist against the wall. "Damn him!"

"Lancer," she said.

"What?" he snapped, his gaze softening when he saw her flinch.

"You… you're bleeding." She urged him to sit and remarked, "Of course, for someone as focused as you, something like this won't slow you down."

"Well I'll be damned," he said as he dropped down, running a hand through his hair.

The soft touch of fingertips on his ribcage startled him.

"I'm sorry," said Kurokawa. "It might hurt a bit, but I can do something until we get to the church."

"Be my guest," he said.

She took the skirt of her dress, wadded up a section and pressed it against his side.

"Was that Kotomine talking to you?" Kurokawa asked.

Lancer nodded.

"He always says such upsetting things," she said, as if from experience.

It wasn't really that, but what Kotomine made him do. It was humiliating how he made it so Lancer wasn't even a serious combatant. A Servant's purpose was to fight to the greatest extent, not just sample the food and run. His body and soul craved nothing but battle, and that had been his sole reason for returning to this world. Now he didn't even have any real desire to go on in the War.

"Please don't forget to breathe," said Kurokawa. "Just relax, it's okay now."

Somehow her words soothed him, calming the rage that had begun eating up his insides. He only tensed when a sharp pain struck where she touched, though it receded faster than it had arrived.

"Ah... look..."

Lancer stared down at where the cut should have been. Its former site looked like when she'd healed herself, all bloodied but with the wound itself gone. He looked at her, about to ask questions when she smiled at him again, wiping her forehead with the back of one hand.

"You're getting blood on yourself." He reached out and rubbed at the dark red smears with his thumb.

"I'm just glad you're alright. I don't even know what happened..."

"But you did this," he said. "You healed me."

"I... I suppose so."

No wonder Kotomine had her follow him; he was putting the girl on a trial run.

"Does he know," asked Lancer, "that you can do such a thing?"

"Not sure. I didn't quite know myself."

She was clueless, and Lancer didn't like it. He formulated his next question carefully, but it came out blunt.

"What's up with you and Kotomine?"

Kurokawa's face blanched. She could have said a lot of things. She was his prisoner and his project, something to be used, a means of reaching an end. In the big scheme of things, in this Holy Grail War, she was just another piece on the chessboard, and yet, for whatever pathetic reason, she clung to Kotomine's words about the wish.

"It's for a good cause," she said, not realizing it had slipped out until Lancer gave her a strange look. "I mean, it's complicated. Never mind."

The girl slouched against the wall, eyelids drooping. He only had one last thing to mention.

"You said I'm your friend."

Kurokawa nodded without making eye contact. "I don't know if you feel the same, though."

"I don't know what to think about you," Lancer said, standing up.

She curiously searched his face. "In a good way or a bad way?"

He bent down and took her in his arms. "Not bad."

"I missed this." Murmuring drowsily, the girl's arms circled his neck, and she let out a shuddering breath. "Ten years…"

Lancer didn't understand what she meant by that, ten years. Her hold loosened as she drifted off, finally falling away altogether. He brushed a lock of black hair from her face, careful not to upset her sleep by doing so. It had only been one night, but he knew so much about her and yet so little. He returned to Kotomine Church hoping for answers, but what he got was hell.

"Will you disobey the orders of your Master? Will you betray me?" hissed Kotomine, rounding on Lancer, who still had Kurokawa in his arms. "You nearly failed all of it, starting with your battle against Saber. You need only worry about your survival, not victory."

"This is sickening," Lancer said under his breath. "You're wasting everything I am."

"Yes, and you're wasting the girl," replied the priest. "Stick her back in the basement. I don't want you taking her out where she'll get bad ideas."

"You said… back in the basement?"

Kotomine smirked. "Do I need to clarify?"

"No," he snarled, leaving the nave of the church by means of a hidden staircase. There were a number of chambers underground, all of which were hermetically sealed save for one. The inside was dark and dank, with nothing to furnish its austere stone space.

"Back in the basement," Lancer repeated as he sat with Kurokawa's head in his lap. Since it sounded she'd been forced to spent the night here before, he didn't want to leave her alone. As the priest had nothing to say about it, he would remain there until she woke up.

Kurokawa dreamt of that time again, just as she had done on countless occassions over the past ten years which went by so slow and so quickly. That was the day she died. Everything looked like a sea of flames. People ran madly through the streets with their bodies on fire, their dying screams bone-chilling, unforgettable. She wanted to help them but didn't know how. Their faces didn't even register as human in her head.

There had been only one person she clearly recalled, a young boy with a memorable hair color, though she couldn't remember the exact shade. He was walking too, aimlessly, eyes blighted by death. She stopped as he passed by. He hadn't seen her.

"Come back… Please, come back!"

She woke in a cold sweat, gasping for breath and utterly disoriented. And then she heard Lancer's voice.

"Good morning," he said. "Or, should I say afternoon?"

"It's still dark, though. Are you sure…?"

Slowly, so slowly, she recognized it. It was the same, the same it had been for the past ten years of her life; the cage, the pit, the tomb. Despite the fact that those years didn't quite feel as long as they truly were, she was scarred and scared out of her mind. She had grown fearful of this darkness with no lights and no sound, neither natural nor artificial. She didn't want to be shut away again. It felt like it was being repeated, only Lancer was there by her side.

"L-Lancer…" Kurokawa fumbled for something of his to hold onto, taking his hand. "Why am I here? Where is my bedroom? How—?"

"Kotomine's idea," he replied bitterly, rising to help her stand.

"Please, let's go. Right away. This place is just…"

The tears started flowing before she could stop them, manifesting along with restrained and weepy sobs. Even when she wanted to speak, her breath granted her no time to release the words.

Lancer knew she'd been stuck in this room before from what Kotomine said, but never did he expect to see her break down like this. Without a second thought, he helped her upstairs, the question of disobeying his orders long forgotten.

Kurokawa calmed when they reached ground level. Even while straining against the brightness, she reached for the shafts of light streaming in through the church windows. She turned suddenly and hugged him tightly, the top of her head only reaching up to his chest.

"Lancer, thank you," she cried happily. "I've never been happier to see the sun again."

He ruffled her hair, not knowing how to feel. "Yeah, that's it. The sun."

The sound of Kotomine's footsteps on the creaky wooden floor made Lancer's entire body go rigid.

"So you're awake," he said, addressing the girl.

"Father Kotomine… why?" she whimpered, hiding behind Lancer.

"You pur our work at jeopardy last night, you know," Kotomine said in a scathing tone. "Do not act or speak out of turn again."

Lancer glared at the priest, who only glared back. Finally he asked the question which had burned in the back of his mind the whole night: "What exactly is going on here?"

"Little Kurokawa is merely afraid of the dark," he said simply, coming as close as he could before Lancer did not allow him to proceed. "Getting defensive, I see. Do not concern yourself in our affairs, Lancer. You have no place in them. Remember your objective."

"Objective my ass. What kind of crap are you pulling on her?"

"You're not in the position to make demands," said Kotomine, brushing some unseen dust from his right sleeve.

Lancer loathed him for having seized Bazett's Command Spells the way he did. He was powerless to resist much more at this point, and Kotomine saw it clearly.

"Go scout again, Lancer," said the priest. "You're useless here."

He was about to argue when Kurokawa stepped out from behind him.

"I'm going with Lancer."

"Who said you were?" asked Kotomine.

"Me, that's who," she said. "Or must I list reasons of why I'm deserving?"

"You've reestablished quite a spark in a single night," he said with the same old shit-eating grin that Lancer hated so much. "Impressive."

The Servant looked at Kurokawa, this girl who, though undoubtedly scared, put up a very, very brave front.

"Will you stop me?" she pressed.

Kotomine stopped and considered this. "…No, I won't."

"Very well then," said Kurokawa, turning from him. "Lancer, let's leave."

He started following her when Kotomine spoke. "Remember your salvation, Atosaki Kurokawa. It is slowly slipping through your fingers. Don't regret your decisions."

"Ato… saki." Lancer had never heard her full name before. He watched her trembling back.

"I only have a single regret," she said, "and it's definitely not about what I'm doing now."

The girl ran from there, throwing the church doors open and breaking into broad daylight. The sun's rays hit her shoulders as she rushed down the hill which led to the city. Her legs balked at every step, but she didn't care. At the foot of the hill, the rush of adrenaline finally gave out and her knees gave out, sending her sprawling over the footpath. After a moment's hesitation she rolled over on to her back, dazed and content to remain there for whatever time was allowed.

The sky. How beautiful the sky was. It wasn't the blue of Lancer's hair, but a lighter shade, a softer one. She didn't have anything else to compare it to. Right on cue, Lancer's head entered her line of vision, not that she minded. His shoulder armor looked so shiny now.

"Lancer," she laughed. "I feel so free."

He crouched down beside her. "Ku… Kurokawa…"

"That's not right," she said quickly. "My first name was Atosaki. It was an odd name. My parents told me it can mean beginning and end, before and after… order, consequences. Somehow, part of me probably wanted to forget, to feel less pain, to not remember. But it's mine."

"It's a beautiful name," he remarked. "I think you should cherish it."

She tried to smile, but faltered. "Hey, I know how you wanted to fight the other Servants, and I just thought of it. Kotomine didn't say anything about going back for rematches."

"Yes, it occurred to me," he said without much enthusiasm, helping Atosaki to her feet.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

Lancer scuffed the dirt with his heel, deep in thought. "I'm just wondering… about when he mentioned 'salvation.'"

Atosaki started to walk without explaining. It didn't seem Lancer had a clue as to what occurred ten years ago, and she had no intention of bringing it up now.

Finally, she said, "Bad things, really bad things, have happened in this city, to everyone. Kotomine promises to make things right if he can wish on the Holy Grail."

Lancer's eyes narrowed. That didn't sound like the Kotomine he knew in the slightest. Surely he lied through his teeth all this time. Before Lancer could tell Atosaki what he knew, she continued.

"I don't like Kotomine because of his behavior, but I think he has his reasons. The crystals he cultivated will help ensure victory, and the extended time period only improved their quality. Perhaps that was the only way, twisted as it was."

The girl only believed what she wanted to. She didn't have the heart to admit to herself she was being used. Lancer put a hand on her shoulder and turned her around to face him.

"It wasn't fair to you, whatever he did," he said.

"It's alright," she replied. "A means to an end. Even if there's a little suffering, at least I can't say I did nothing."

That wasn't okay with him, first off because this didn't sound like "a little" suffering, secondly because Kotomine only told her what she would need and what would make her cooperate, to the point she had lost all sense of self-preservation.

"Say, Lancer, we should go into town. I haven't seen it in… well…"

He knew she wanted to say ten years, even though he had yet to figure out what that truly meant, simply thinking it a metaphor. Then he envisioned this scene, an armored man in blue full-body tights and a girl with a blood-soaked dress strolling casually through the streets.

After a moment of hesitation, he offered, "Want me to grab us some clothing?"

"I-if you can. Anything in small will do."

"Got it. I'll hunt for food while I'm there. Try to get away from this church, but don't go into the city just yet."

"Okay. I'll be waiting for you."

He had already taken on his invisible spirit form when she spoke again to him.

"Thank you, Lancer," she said, "for being on my side when no one else is."

Despite him departing sometime in the afternoon, the sun had sunk low on the horizon when Lancer finally returned. He looked tired, and with the simple white V-neck top and black leather pants he wore, he seemed more vulnerable. Atosaki quietly thanked him for managing to get her what he did. She hid behind the trunk of a large tree and pulled on the cozy purple and black plaid dress set, appreciative of how nice it looked with a white turtleneck as innerwear and the burgandy wool scarf that went wiith it. All she'd worn for ten years in that basement was the clothing on her back. The charred remains of clothing, at least.

For a moment after she finished they sat around idly. Atosaki kept looking over at Lancer, playing with the delicate trim on the scarf while thinking of something to fill the silence.

"I… I feel naked," he said, forcing a grin as he rummaged through a plastic shopping bag.

"Oh, like what you usually wear doesn't make you feel that way." She laughed, although she sensed his unease. "You know, if something's bothering you, you can tell me."

"The War's just playing out, that's all," he said.

"…Do you want to wish on the Grail?" asked Atosaki.

"Me? Nah, I don't ask for much. Maybe a good, valiant fight to the death here and there, something along those lines. It's simple."

"And Kotomine is stopping you."

Lancer noticed the girl's expression. Her brow was furrowed, eyes sorrowful, like her heart ached for him, just for him. He wanted to be comforted by her sympathy, but he couldn't stand to hurt her more than he had to.

"He's a terrible Master," she said. "He didn't deserve to summon you."

But Kotomine wasn't really the one. Lancer's thoughts rarely returned to Bazett Fraga McRemitz, the woman who would have been his Master had Kotomine not severed her left arm, and with it her Command Seals, before he left her for dead. As much as he wanted to avenge her, his willpower simply wasn't strong enough to defy Kotomine's.

"You and I would've made a good team," Lancer commented, looking at the pastel sunset. "I could get my share of battles and I'd win them all for you so you could make that wish yourself. But it's idealistic to hope for nice things to happen."

It was a cynical notion, tragic but true. Such was life. He turned back to Atosaki and found her biting back tears.

"Damn, me and my big mouth…"

"N-no," she said, eyes watering. "Even though a lot of things aren't the way they should be right now, I'm so glad to have met you!"

He blinked once, then twice, and then smiled. "Same here."

Atosaki dabbed at her eyes quickly before feeling something firm but soft against her lips.

"Eat this," Lancer said, offering her a small piece of pastry.

She let him feed her the first bite before he handed her the rest, and together, side-by-side beneath a large oak tree, they watched as stars began to dot the darkling sky.

"Red bean," she noted after eating her fill.

It had been her mother's favorite, more so than even meat or custard. She looked at the bun he was working on and stuck her hand out towards him.

"Please let me hold that."

"What, you still hungry?" he started to say when Atosaki scooted closer and positioned the bun at his mouth.

"Nope, just serving," she said, grinning. "It's really I can do as my thanks. Go ahead and eat."

His cheeks looked slightly rosy, even in the dim starlight, and he went along graciously with her order.

"I haven't eaten with good company for a while now," said Atosaki, folding the empty pastry wrapper in her lap. "I'd almost forgotten what it was like… Oh, but that's such a weird thing to say, isn't it? Sorry."

Lancer swallowed down the last bite, thought for a moment, and then suddenly brushed her cheek.

"Wha—?"

"Crumbs around your mouth."

"Ah, th-thank you…"

"And you don't ever need to apologize. Tell me whatever you want and I'll listen."

Atosaki nodded, his words warming her to the core.

"You are very kind, Lancer. I wish I could express how much it means to me."

"Thanks, but I'm not really that good a person," he said. "I did bad things, I made bad choices. Looking back, I can't change any of it, so I don't find any sense in regretting the way I lived."

She was sure he was talking about his past life, before becoming a Heroic Spirit. Having spoken about regrets at the church, she took what he said to heart.

"And you're wise," she added. "Compared to everything you've seen, and even what Father Kotomine knows, I must seem like a total idiot."

"We've all got insight," said Lancer. "It builds on itself. We gain from experience. You're learning as we speak, so don't worry."

Atosaki nodded, and then reached out to swipe at the corner of his mouth.

"Now we're even," she said playfully.

The look he gave her in return was almost unbearably tender. She could've melted under an expression like that.

"I never thought this would happen in a Grail War," he said, "that I'd meet a sweet girl like you."

Atosaki smiled. "It's not quite what you wanted though."

"Ah well, it's not to say I don't enjoy it."

The girl rested her head on his shoulder. "Is it bad if I hope that this won't end so soon? What will I do when you… if you…"

"Hey, we'll get there when we get there. Just savor the here and now if you can."

"I'll try." She nuzzled up against him, and he positioned his chin lightly on her head. "I know it's about the past, but can you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Please don't kill people if you don't need to. I mean, innocents, and even Masters, because that's no fair, is it? Please, for me. They don't have to die and they'll never have a second chance like Servants if they do. So please?"

"...I understand. I promise."

His words came out honestly.

"Thank you, Lancer."

"…You should sleep for now, Atosaki. I'll wake you if something comes up."

"I'm counting on you. We're in this together, right?"

"Right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's three years late, but I'm hoping to upload the rest of the chapters to this. Checked back randomly and saw there was a little interest, which I really appreciate. I've gone back and edited certain aspects in the first and second chapters, so the story will read just a bit differently. It's still kinda cheesy though, but hey, no changing that I guess.
> 
> Thank you to whoever has read, commented or bookmarked!! Definitely made my day.


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